update on things...

mom is resting fine. when not on lethargy-causing meds she is cognizant, alert and sharp as ever. her prognosis is 2-3 weeks left for this earth. haven't been able to probe her mind for memories because my brother joe won't shut up for longer than 5 seconds. some things will never change.

my lovely daughters, meira and eowyn (shown here wearing her own creative makeup), and i were out at the grocery store the other day. we were listening to some music and i was-and let me make this perfectly clear-intentionally singing badly. i asked eowyn if i was singing well. "no", she said, "but i still love ya"!. what a goofball. later that day the large, smelly, wet beast of a dog came inside. i told eowyn not to let him touch her as he bulldozed by, as she had just put on her pajamas. "ewww, he's filthy wet", opined ewoyn, "but he's still cute". jeez, where does she come up with this stuff?

















meira (shown here in typical meira pose after a long ride in the car), bless her, is learning so much from eowyn...like painting on herself. and i now sometimes have to explain myself to a 19 month old. i don't know if this is from eowyn or her own little intelligent brain, but here lately she asks "why?". i say, "meira, let's change your diaper". "why?", she asks. "because you need to". "noooooo!", she wails and runs off. "mint?", she asks. "no mints right now sweetie", i say. "why?". why indeed.

such is life around here right now. bittersweet. one light dimming, two lights burning bright.

thank you all...

...and i mean it. the outpouring of support is tremendous from all sides. especially you guys. thanks again.

i saw mom today, spent a good deal of the day with her. donna was there, in and out, cleaning the house, responding to my mother when she needed something. joe is coming either saturday or sunday...it depends on which day he can get on a flight...nonrev travel has its perks but also its headaches.

as for my mom...she is her old self albeit tired and weak right now. she's getting, no, she is suspicious. she keeps asking why everyone is there: i show up on a day i usually work, emily comes down from atlanta, joe is coming up from st. simon's...its hard knowing something this big, this important, this personal and not know if you should tell the person. especially when the person is your mom. when joe arrives i'm gonna talk with him and i suppose we'll make a decision. well, we will make a decision. good grief, this is difficult. i should be able to just say "hey, the doctor told you a year but he told us 2-8 weeks". i think she should know, but i ain't the only son here. we'll see.

she told me she feels like she's on her "last leg". i simply told her "maybe you are, maybe you're not, noone knows for certain. but i'll tell you one thing: no matter what happens, you are the best mother anyone could ever have". and it's true. she got me through childhood, a good part of it by herself, and imparted more of herself to me than i ever thought i had. like stubbornness. i come by it naturally. and perseverance. and a lot of other stuff. the belief in god, jesus and church didn't stick and neither did her almost complete lack of technological savvy, thank goodness!

back in the first days of vcr's i once phoned her from a gig and asked her to put a tape in the machine, to record a show i shall not mention, and i talked her through the whole process. she did everything correctly except for one very important thing. i got home and there was the cassette sticking out. she put it in just not all the way in. oh well. i suppose i probably have done some things that would stick out in her mind, too. over the next few days, weeks, hopefully months, maybe years, i'll probe her mind for such. maybe i'll post them here. on second thought, maybe not.

new year, new complications

my mom went in the hospital on monday and was discharged on wednesday. her heart doctor, dr. olubi, said she can't live by herself anymore and needed to go into a nursing home. hell's bell's, a nursing home ain't for the likes of my mom! she's still able to get around and stays as active as she can. i know that nursing homes can and do help some people but my brother joe and i agreed that it would probably be the beginning of the end.

my mom's friend, donna, said she would be glad to check on her everyday but dr. olubi said no, donna wasn't qualified. i don't know what donna said to dr. olubi or what transpired but by the end of the conversation between the two but dr. olubi said that maybe donna could be trained in some rudimentary nursing skills and report to a qualified professional. wow.

i don't know where donna came from, really. she just showed up in my mom's life and they have become best friends. donna takes mom to appointments and checks in on her everyday. donna is a rare individual.

amy and i went over to the hospital on wednesday and talked to my mom, the case worker from social services, stephanie, and a home hospice care rep that stephanie recommended. donna was there, she spent the night with my mom at the hospital...every night! stephanie, it turns out, recognized me from somewhere. we figured out it was from when i worked at newnan music. stephanie's husband, robi, had had a brain tumor-the same kind that steve sewell, our piano instructor at the store, also had. she came and talked to some of us there at the store about getting steve hooked up for a benefit with the robi run, a foundation started in her husband's name. she wasn't supposed to tell us what hospice agency to go with but we asked her opinion and she gave it. so crystal, um fuller, i think, came by to see us.

mom has copd, which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. subsequently, the right side of her heart is having to push hard against the fluid in her lungs which makes the right side weak. the left side, however, is fine and dandy. for this reason, the fine and dandy, home hospice wouldn't be an option. since she has the copd and is on oxygen and a nebulizer, etc., she was a candidate.

well, things seemed to be going ok. then the bad news: one of her lung doctors, dr. candiswami (the other is dr. patel) came to see mom in the hospital after amy and i left. mom asked him how long she has to live. he said about a year. when he left, donna went out in the hallway and asked him how long he really thought she has...the bomb dropped here: about 2, maybe 4 weeks. jesus. i don't even believe in jesus, but, jesus.

donna called joe, then she called amy, then joe called amy then amy told me when i got home from work. what the plan is now i don't know. i told them at work what is happening. i'm going to try to get fmla leave and spend time with mom. joe is coming up from st. simon's as soon as he can. i don't even know if the doctor really knows the real prognosis. everything is so goddamned up in the air. i new this day would come but it knowing doesn't cause any of this to be easy. i just want mom to be pain free, worry free....just free. and if death is freedom...let it come, but with mercy and compassion. who knows, she may live longer. she may not. there is a lesson here. i intend to learn it.